


Treading the Garden of Glass

by EdamamiTomoe



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, BPD Toujou Nozomi, F/F, Fluff, Yandere, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-24 21:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12021762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdamamiTomoe/pseuds/EdamamiTomoe
Summary: Nozomi was helplessly possessive of her girlfriend, but Eli knew well how to sooth her worries.





	Treading the Garden of Glass

Establishing Muse, convincing Eli to pursue what she truly wanted, and joining Muse herself, Nozomi had everything she had ever wanted: a loving girlfriend, a close circle of friends, and something to look forward to every day. But even so, she still could not help but feel an emptiness grow in her chest every minute she spent in the idol clubroom, every second she hung out with her friends. At first she simply ignored it, thinking it was nothing, thinking maybe it was just another mood swing hitting her, that it was going to go away on its own. But no, if anything, it’s only been getting worse.

But no, it shouldn’t be something serious, right? After all, Nozomi was a fairly busy girl, handling school council business, handling school idol business, she did have a lot on her plate. It was only natural that she should feel tired every day, feel like going back to bed every morning. At least that how the girl tried to convince herself, but deep down, she knew that it wasn’t something so trivial. If it was, all the other Muse girls should have been perpetually worn out like her, and yet they weren’t. If only that wasn’t a source of envy for her.

Envy, envy, it wasn’t something Nozomi would normally let other people knew, but she was such an envious person. She always envied other girls for having friends, for being able to talk so naturally with other people, for having a nicer body, and yet she never said any of these things out loud. It was one thing venting about envy for a random classmate, but if she ever said anything untowards about one of the Muse girls? One of the friends in the group she worked so hard to pull together? She was fairly certain that things would fall apart, and she would be alone all over again.

That was the root of the problem, though. Loneliness, loneliness, loneliness. Nozomi thought she could make it go away by finally pulling together a group of friends she could always be with, a group of friends she could always rely on. But rather, the hideous beast that was loneliness simply took another form, twisted by her very own envy. Nozomi knew what was bugging her, but she never wanted to admit it.

Eli. Eli had friends. Eli was talking to other girls. Those other girls were Nozomi’s friends too, but they were talking to Eli. She always tried to make this hideous anger and envy go away by constantly clinging onto her girlfriend whenever they were hanging out with the rest of the Muses, but it just wouldn’t. She really wished she could just push whoever Eli was talking to away and cling onto her, and never let go. But there was no way Nozomi could ever do something like that. She knew that her girlfriend was happier off this way, and that if she were to do anything stupid like that, she would be hurting Eli.

But that didn’t make things any easier. Seeing every day Eli talking to someone else other than her, having fun with someone else other than her… every time it happened it made Nozomi feel so far away. So distant from everyone and everything, and so cold, like she was slowly freezing up from inside her chest. Whenever it got too bad, she would excuse herself to go to the bathroom and try to calm herself down, but coming back and seeing her girlfriend still talking to someone else... 

It was so hard to deal with, and Nozomi wish she knew a way out. She really did care for her friends and loved having them around, but whenever they talked to Eli, she just wish she could push them away, that she could steal Eli away and keep her all to herself. And knowing she could never do something like that, Nozomi would simply sit passively, dissociating, wishing she could be dead. Wishing Eli had a better girlfriend than someone like her. Wishing she wasn’t such a disgusting creature who would wish death upon her friends for getting close to her girlfriend. Wishing she could call out to someone, anyone, for help, but of course, that simply wasn’t an option. If anyone knew who she was really like, they would hate her. They would tell everyone, and then Nozomi would be all alone again, like she was always meant to be.

“Nozomi? Nontan? Are you okay?”

Eli’s voice came through, and Nozomi quickly snapped back to attention, putting on her usual warm smile for her. It was such a practiced smile that by this point she could do it at any point in time, regardless of her emotions, and convince everyone she was okay. Everyone except Eli, though.

“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry, I didn’t have a very good night’s sleep.” Nozomi said, a sheepish blush on her cheeks. She desperately wanted to get it off her chest, to let Eli know how she felt, now that Honoka had left the student council room. “I really should go to bed earlier tonight, I’ve been spacing out all day.”

“Hmm, I see.” It was clear from Eli’s tone that she wasn’t entirely convinced. She was usually such a clumsy dork, but when it came to Nozomi, she never missed the spot. “You know, we are alone now. If there’s anything you want to get off your chest, for my ears only, you can talk to me.”

“Honestly, I said I’m fine, Elicchi. It’s nothing you should be worried about.” Nozomi couldn’t tell which was worse, Eli’s insistence or her refusal to be helped. There was a deep set fear in her, after all, that her girlfriend might despise her for how she felt. That she might actually leave her behind, and be with someone she liked better. That she actually liked. “You know, I think my period might be starting tomorrow. I’m probably just feeling off.”

“Nozomi, please stop brushing it off.” Eli turned her chair around to face Nozomi and pulled in closer, close enough that she was able to reach forward and hold her hand. “I’ve noticed you’ve been acting really off in the last two weeks, and it’s been bothering me. A lot. You’re always tired, you’re always spacing out, you’re always so removed from conversation. You only ever seem to smile for real when you’re around me. I want to know what’s bothering you.”

“Please stop pushing it, Elicchi.” Nozomi’s tone suddenly became very stern, and she nearly yanked her hand out of her girlfriend’s grasp. But she stopped herself, realizing what she was doing, and looked away in shame. Her tone softer now, she said, “I’m… I’m sorry. Just please, don’t worry about it. I don’t… I don’t want you to hate me for something like this.”

Eli almost seemed shocked at first, but then her expression softened again. Nozomi was afraid for a moment that her girlfriend might get mad at her for something like that, but thankfully that was not the case. Instead, Eli, scooted forward a bit more in her chair, and brought herself close to her. Close enough that she could lower her voice to a hush whisper, and ask, “Nozomi, please tell me what’s wrong. I will not hate you, I could never. You’re my girlfriend, you’re the one who’s always been here for me when no one else was. I have said I would stay by your side forever, haven’t I? Please, tell me what is bothering you.”

As much as Nozomi wanted to push Eli away once again, this time more out of compulsive self-isolation than reluctance to talk, she couldn’t will herself to do something so stupid. Instead, she simply looked down, staring at her knees, and mumbled, “I… I get really jealous. This… mm, this is going to sound really bad, and please, excuse me for it, I… I wouldn’t ever do any of these things, but… Elicchi, I… I always get so jealous whenever I see you talking to any other girls. Even if it’s one of our friends, like Honoka, Nico, Maki, anyone. It… it usually doesn’t get that bad, but sometimes I just… I just keep getting thoughts of killing them, of murdering them so they wouldn’t… so they wouldn’t steal away your affections anymore. I-I… I hate myself so much for having thoughts like this, and I really wish I didn’t. I really wish I could just… I-I dunno, be a normal girl, so you can be happy, so you won’t have to worry about having a freakishly yandere girlfriend like me…”

It seemed to have taken Eli a moment to process everything Nozomi had said, and in those excruciatingly long moments, Nozomi kept on looking back up at Eli’s face, trying to discern any hints of disgust or anger, without any success, and then looking back down at her knees. When her girlfriend opened her mouth to speak, Nozomi almost expected her to reprimand her, but instead, her voice was softer than before, and gentler, as she said, “Nozomi, I’m not going to hate you for something like this. I know you… I know that you don’t want to feel this way, and that you don’t mean any harm at all, so please don’t despise yourself for something like this. But the jealousy issue… mm, that really is difficult, isn’t it?”

Nozomi didn’t respond. From Eli’s tone, it was clear she had more to say, that she was just trying to think through how she should word what she was going to say next. And besides, there wasn’t much she could say either. Sure, she was getting her emotions out, but she didn’t feel any differently, not even when she heard her girlfriend’s reassurance. She felt so numb, like nothing was getting through to her, that nothing was dispelling this coldness in her.

“Nozomi, I… I will admit that I don’t think I could ever feel what you are feeling. I do get jealous from time to time too, but I don’t think what I feel could be even comparable to yours. But I do want you to know that I… I don’t want to be a source of misery to you. I want to make you happy, Nozomi, and I want you to feel fulfilled in our relationship, not jealous and afraid. I know… well, I think we both know it would be impossible to truly satisfy your fantasies in that way, but I want to know. What… what can I do to make this easier for you? It’s okay if you can’t come up with anything, we can work this out together.”

“I… um, I…” Nozomi hadn’t expected Eli to offer something like that. Then again, she had no idea what to expect going into this, this was the first time she and her girlfriend ever had a conversation about something intrinsic about her that was making her life miserable. Staring blankly at nothing in particular, though in this case it would be Eli’s abdomen, Nozomi mumbled, “I… I guess I… just want to spend more time with you. I want… I want more of your attention. I know that we already spend a lot of time together, but I… I want to always be the center of your attention. ...That wouldn’t work, would it. I already took up so much of your time.”

Eli seemed to be well aware that Nozomi was struggling to come up with something realistic, something that would work without the relationship becoming a complete vise on her life. She placed a hand on Nozomi’s shoulder, and kissed her forehead softly. “That does sound a little extreme, yes, but why not try to work out something based on that? I understand that you’re trying not to be 100% yandere, but I don’t want to leave you neglected either. So how about this? Every time you start to feel jealous, every time you start to feel off, just tug on my sleeve, and we’ll spend some alone time together. How’bout that?”

It sounded like such a juvenile solution, such a silly one, and yet Nozomi still felt drawn to it. She had a feeling she knew what Eli meant, but was still unsure if they were fully on the same page, so she asked, “Even… even if you’re talking to someone else? I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t want to be rude, and disrupt you from what you’re doing, especially if it’s something important…”

“Mhmm, even if I’m talking to someone else.” Eli softly caressed Nozomi’s cheek, and brought her gaze back up to meet hers. Her voice comforting, her smile warm, and her eyes optimistic, she said, “Of course, if we’re in class, we might not be able to do that. And if we’re in the student council room, we will have plenty of privacy after whoever’s visiting leaves. But if we’re ever with the rest of the Muses, and you feel jealous that someone is talking to me for too long, honestly, just come tug at my sleeve. We can take a moment or two out in the hallways to ourselves, and I’ll do whatever I can to warm your heart right back up. And if that doesn’t work? We’ll come up with a new plan. How’bout that?”

“Mm, Elicchi… you really are too good to me.” Nozomi couldn’t help but smile. She couldn’t help but wonder if such a plan was simply too naive, too silly, to ever work, to ever make her feel any better. But the fact that her girlfriend would be so thoughtful and so considerate of her this way… that alone was enough to make her feel content again. “Let’s do that then.”

“Too good? Heheh, honestly, if I could, I would gladly do more for you, Nontan. I love you that much.” Eli giggled, wrapping her arms around Nozomi’s shoulders and pulling her close, “You really have been the light of my life, and I honestly could not ever hope to repay you enough for how much happiness you have brought me. Of course I would want you to be just as happy too, Nontan.”

“Elicchi… I love you, Elicchi. I love you so much.”

That was all Nozomi could manage to say, before tears welled up in her eyes. That was all she really needed to say, anyways. She wrapped her arms around Eli’s waist and kissed her tenderly on the lips. Everything she’s ever wanted, everything she’s ever needed, Nozomi was lucky enough to have in her arms, and she could not be more grateful.


End file.
